help

A reminder that that is an attempt to self soothe…the chances of anyone reading this are as good as the chances of anything else happening…after all im always just talking to myself…I was presented with the choice to exist as I do now or move on to something else last night…not knowing what or hwy I declined…I guess that’s what makes this world real…our life is like a break from a big hill that we have to climb before we can find peace…I don’t know what to think…am I being punished did I do something wrong? Or did I slip thru the cracks of life…forgotten and alone…only typing this and letting it leave my head brings any consolation in this earthly existence. All this must make sense, seeing as I put it on paper anyone could understand it…but then again everyone is just a figment of my imagination so how couldn’t they? Or not necessarily a figment…see how flighty I am? In order to continue to live in this world I must now do things like this to find relief…its like im procrastinating death or w/e death is in order to get a few more years here…I feel like I should get a few more years…that’s just what my brain tells me who knows…after all in space there is no good or bad right? Im gonna make my own end it seems like but I don’t want to…I just want to be taken…I feel like I should have to commit suicide or something in order to find peace…not really like a gun blowing off head suicide but a conscious blow out or something…or a gun to the head who knows…were all gonna die someday right? This either makes me really crazy or really righteous…and im torn in between…my age ? the point of life that im at? Who knows the reason I don’t…and everyones a part of me so noone does. As long as im alive here I wont find answers…I guess…or will i? but everyone wonders that right? But everyone is just part of my brain…I felt like I could give It all away at any second…ALL OF IT. I don’t want to thought im scared…really scared…I don’t know…when I was a child or little or w/e it didn’t matter…the sun rose and sank and I could truly love and commit myself to things…I hope my dad dies before I do so I know someone is there if anything to see my through I love him so much…I would die w/out him or someone to take his spot…I mean I think hes really there and I always need someone to fill that position if im gonna exist on earth…from here on out loneliness can really get to me …I mean obviously…but really really get to me…to the point of suffereing…so back to the original question did I do something tod eserve this? I have ocd and it drives me nuts…does everyone have ocd?? I mena its not bad but it could be it has the potential if I let it…the thing is I can exist in everyday society just like everyone else…that’s my problem…maybe I should just go insane so people will know I need help and help me…or who knows…take over the world and make everyone see it my way…those are two polar opposites but seem to be the only computable options…neither being really possible im stuck or something…so the blow out like I said isn’t death or going crazy or anything…its like a raise to a new level of consciousness…I don’t want that…I don’t know if that’s good …or if Ill ever find peace once I find this…this is a never ending story…ive always lived the same way and ill do the same thing in any given situation…why is it bothering me now??? Is my brain misfiring or something and creating a hell that’s not there…that would be bad…its all bad…

Author: ethanwmd

March 30th, 2008 at 7:31 am in Uncategorized